


Under the Canyon Moon

by flower_feast_em



Category: Golden - Harry Styles (Song), One Direction (Band), Sweet Creature - Harry Styles (Song)
Genre: (I'm bad at tags so I'll add as I go), Angst, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Chicago (City), F/M, Famous Harry, Flashbacks, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Friends With Benefits To Lovers, I Made Myself Cry, KIND of canon, Kid Fic, Larry Stylinson Is Real, Past Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Post-Break Up, Post-One Direction, Solo Artist Harry Styles, Some Offensive Language, Strong Female Characters, a lot of bisexuals and gays, and depressed, but also kind of a self indulgent story, its rare but still, kind of, non famous original character, one direction members show up randomly, sad boi harry, stoner harry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-19
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:54:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21854839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flower_feast_em/pseuds/flower_feast_em
Summary: After the band's calamitous break, Harry tried his best to live anonymously in Chicago. He always told himself he can date "normal" people. After all, he's a normal person too, right?{Two complex souls find even more complexity in each other and decide maybe that's alright.}
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Harry Styles/Original Female Character(s), Original Female Character/Original Female Character
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so excited to start writing this! I feel like I've had the idea for months and I can't wait to get it all out for other people to enjoy as well.
> 
> I think it goes without saying that this is a work of fiction. It is a product of my brain wondering what could've happened during the hiatus if Harry met this person of my creation. It's not going to totally follow the timeline of the hiatus/solo Harry, but it's not entirely an AU either. 
> 
> I seriously daydream about this fic too often to not write it so, here we go folks.
> 
> Don't be afraid to leave comments, I'd love to talk with you guys!

She sifted through the green bills again, ensuring fatigue didn't cause any errors in her counting. The girls in her diner deserved evenly split tips; they all work hard, she knows that. She's been where they are, and tips- they're life or death sometimes. The bell above the front door chimed, unsettling her focus. This time of night always put her on high alert, but knowing Lucas was just behind the wall separating the kitchen from the main dining area brought comfort. 

Tonight’s patron was a man; alone, only accompanied by a worn leather journal and thick gray scarf. He kept his head down the entire time he led himself to a booth in the far left corner. Usually this profile of a man would shoot anxiety up her spine. But whether it was the near visible rain cloud floating over the man’s head or her sheer lack of energy, she found herself standing adjacent to his table only moments after he arrived.

“Hello,” she placed the tattered menu on the table in front of him, “Take your time looking, just call me over when you’re ready to order. I’m Roe.” He nodded in response. 

Roe shuffled back to her perch by the register, and tried to finish splitting tips as quickly as possible. Every few seconds, she spared a glance at the man in the booth. His dark brows knitted together, shadowing the rest of his sharp features. He remained hunched over the menu until a cuckoo clock on the wall next to him screeched the arrival of three A.M. and made him jolt. He scratched his neck underneath the curls dusting his collar bones. Finally, he called Roe's name uncertainly and she hopped off her stool once again to hover by his table.

He gently asked for a slice of apple pie and a cup of tea. Roe brought him his order and against her fair judgment sat across from him as she did so. He bit his lip, wanting to reject her boldness before he realized the empty pit in his stomach craved more than just food.

“This pie is good.” 

“It’s from Costco,” she smirked, “but I will take all of the credit anyway.”

“It’s good,” he complimented gently as if she would leave him were he to speak too loudly.

“Good.” 

He took his time drawing the fork to his lips like this was exactly what he was meant to be doing for the rest of his life. Before the man arrived, Roe considered preparing a slice of pie for herself, but the strong cinnamon scent of it in front of her satisfied her enough for now. It wasn’t often that soft, kind men occupied the diner at this hour, so she did her best to paint it in her memory forever. The dark beige of his coat contrasted the starkness of his pale skin, but somehow it worked together well. The coat was made of pure wool, at least she assumed so. She couldn't recall a time seeing such a thing. He had three rings on each hand, each of them were intricate and glittered brighter than any of the cutlery in the diner. With only two bites of his pie left, Roe addressed him again.

“Are you okay?” she set her chin in her palm, absentmindedly reaching her fingers up to twist the ring in her right nostril.

“What do you mean?” his voice was strained, but that could be written off as fatigue. At least, he thought so.

“Ruby’s Diner is nice and all, but it doesn’t seem like a place you’d frequent when you’re really livin’ it up. Especially not at this hour,” she tried to withhold anything but a neutral tone from her words, but judging by the way his bloodshot eyes fell to the crumbs left on his plate when she spoke, she knew she was unsuccessful. 

“Just a rough couple of days, you know.” He shrugged halfheartedly.

“Yeah, I know.”

For the rest of that night, or morning rather, words seemed a sparse occurrence. Roe’s co-worker, Jodie, came near three-thirty to let Roe go home. Although she felt the weight in her limbs and eyelids as she travelled back home, sleep held itself from her. The only thing that consumed her headspace was the unnamed man with the apple pie.

Friday floated by innocuously enough with regular customers at the diner asking for this and that. They were relatively polite too; something rare in this part of Chicago. Heat blasted through the restaurant, but inevitably yielded to the temperatures outside, causing Roe’s arm hair to stand on end from the bumps raised on her skin. Each plate placed in front of an individual was one more minute closer to the day concluding in sweatpants and blankets. She already felt the warmth begin to radiate in her as she neared her house. River stood at the coffee table, running Hot Wheels over the scratched surface. She felt she should reprimand him, but the table was already beyond repair with little original varnish left, and his cheeks always did look so soft when he gleamed and giggled like that. The warmth Roe had built up, however, immediately dissipated when she caught a glimpse into the kitchen. 

”Ariel, ” Roe exhaled, shocked, ”What are you doing here?” Ariel’s slender body turned from the kitchen table to face her. She cast her eyes to the ground, tucking her long curled hair behind her left ear. Roe’s heart beat rapidly against her will. 

”Hey baby, thought I'd join you for dinner.” Roe remembered the bags of diner food hanging in her hands. She ignored the other woman at first, merely whispering an ”excuse me” as she sped past her to dump the bags on the table. 

”I told you, you don't get to call me that anymore.”

Roe unpacked the now cold food. The scent of bread and roast beef summoned the rest of Roe’s family, and she heard their footsteps and chattering grow louder, but she kept her focus on the dinner in front of her. 

”Can I help?” Ariel reached a hand to rest on Roe’s forearm. She flared in irritation but made no move to alter their position. 

”Keep unpacking the food. I'll get plates.” She kept her voice as monotone as possible, not seeking to invite an argument. As Roe reached in the cabinets next to the sink, a more welcome hand laid on her shoulder. Lucas. Roe took a deep breath and prepared for what might come from her brother’s mouth. 

”I tried to get her to leave, I really did. But, she's stubborn, ” he softened his voice in attempts to keep their conversation private. 

“Unfortunately, I’m very aware of that.”

“Do you want me to pick her up and just throw her out on the sidewalk? I can do that if you want,” he joked.

“No, Lucas, it’s okay,” she yawned and pulled her auburn hair away from her face, “there’s no use in fighting her right now. I’ll make sure she’s gone before I have to drop the kids off at school. I can take River with me during my shift at the shop too. I know you’re busy tomorrow.”

He shook his head, eyebrows wound tightly together. His muscles bulged as he crossed his arms, angry heat radiating off of him, “I know you loved her, but I thought after everything, you decided she wasn’t good for you anymore. I don’t care if you’re lonely or horny or whatever, she can’t keep coming back, Rosalie. It’s not healthy.”


	2. 2

Today started Harry's sixth consecutive Bad Day. All of them included the heavy weight of emptiness and loneliness in the pit of his stomach, but today’s Bad Day also included crashing his favorite vintage car. A bunny hopped in front of the wheels, what else was he supposed to do except swerve out of the way? He had only been in Chicago for a week before The Six Bad Days, and because he was still trying to find his footing after the events of the last few months, he simply knew no one, recognized nothing, and had no connections to the city around him. Luckily, the heavily bearded man that towed his car gave him a recommendation for an auto body shop. Owned by a friend of a friend, he said, but great people nonetheless. They rode together in the man's truck with the radio's rap station accompanying them. Harry didn't recognize this either. By the time they arrived at the shop, Harry's teeth were clenching so hard, he might as well have cracked a tooth. He pushed it aside, though, to thank Tony, he had figured out, and begrudgingly entered the building.

A man of slightly smaller build followed him inside, only a few steps behind. Harry didn't recall seeing another car outside waiting to be serviced, but perhaps he was here to pick something up, he thought. Either way, he hoped the door would close swiftly behind him, and not welcome any others. He could have sworn he caught a snowflake or two in his eyelashes, and he did not want to add another reason for today to be a Bad Day. The shorter man huffed and crossed his arms with his fingers tapping impatiently against his bicep. It irked Harry, but kept any impulsive comments to himself. Instead, he made his way to the woman at the front desk. 

“Hello,” Harry said as he leaned in.

“What’s up? How can I- holy shit.” Her eyes widened in shock, and she had to physically take a step back. Dread rose in Harry’s chest. Today of all days, he wished for the blanket of anonymity more than anything. His dread transformed into confusion when the woman approached the shorter man instead of himself. “What the fuck are you doing here, James?” She pushed a finger into his chest. 

They stood only a foot away from Harry, but he was trapped in the corner. He tugged at the ends of his curly hair, unsure if he should try to excuse himself or just wait it out. He flittered his eyes around the room, attempting to give the two a semblance of privacy; a grievous task, given their proximity and the building’s proclivity to echoes.

“I don’t want any trouble, you know that.” He put up his hands in defense, and as she opened her mouth to cut him off, he raised his voice above hers. “I’m just looking for Fae. She won’t answer my calls and I-”

“Do you really think she would answer my calls either? Even if she did, I wouldn’t tell you where she is anyway.” 

Anonymity, he remembered. He continued diverting his focus, hoping the other workers in the shop felt the same itchy heat that he did. In his searching, he noticed a single red balloon in the rafters above him, half deflated. He followed the string down to what he assumed to be the Chicago flag. Looking around, he also spotted several movie posters hung around the cinder block walls. Jurassic Park, Godzilla, Pulp Fiction, The Godfather, Jaws. 

The first time Harry watched Jaws, he was midway through his time on The X-Factor. His bandmate, Louis, could barely fathom him missing out on such a classic and insisted they watch it right in that moment. They moved from their seats on the ledge of the pool under the moonlight to the couch in the living room, and Louis barely allowed them any time to properly dry off. So, Harry spent the night watching an arguably horrid movie on a damp couch, next to a boy that occupied a frightening amount of his thoughts. Harry never admitted to liking the movie, but whenever Louis probed him about it, an unwilling smile graced his features. He hasn't watched the movie since.

The next thing he knew, the woman in front of him swiftly shoved the agitated man out the door without another word. Harry realized he had grabbed the red vinyl counter top in his attempt to stabilize himself, so he released his grip and smoothed his hands over his beige coat. The woman returned only a half a second later.

“Are you alright?” she asked. She cocked her head to the side, letting her amber bangs fall into her eyes. Harry blinked away his shock in order to respond. 

“Yes, yeah, I'm good. Well, not entirely because I crashed my car and need it to be fixed. But. No, yes, I'm fine.”

She gave him an amused look but didn't comment on his fumbling behavior. She could tell by the way he shook his head minutely and ran ring covered hands over the front of his coat again that he didn't want to comment on it either. She opened a new tab on the desktop to her left once she finally made it behind the counter again.

“I’m really sorry about all that, by the way. As an employee of this place and just a person in general, I really don’t like having that type of thing happen. It’s rare, but yeah. Sorry.” She drummed her fingers against her jean-clad thigh.

“You don’t have to apologize. It’s- uh, it’s not really my place to ask, but is everything okay? That man seemed very angry with you, and, well, I want to make sure you’ll be safe when you go home.”

“Don’t worry about me. He’s just a piece of dog shit that seems to linger sometimes.” She waved a hand in the air as if even mentioning him became irrelevant.

“Seems like it.”

“I don’t think he’ll be back again soon.”

“I hope not.” She let his comment hang in the air for a few moments, and offered a sincere smile, but dropped the subject.

“So, you crashed your car?” 

///

Harry sat on a steel workbench a few meters from where the woman had started her inspection of his car. He didn’t mean to stare, he really didn’t. But the few swirls of ink on her forearms that peeked out of the collared work shirt intrigued him. He desired so desperately to examine them up close and learn their story. He had seen them before. Briefly. But they were still familiar, just like her warm brown eyes and sharp-pointed nose. The name tag stitched over her left breast is what threw him off.

“Lee?” He questioned. “I don’t mean to sound like a creep, but I feel like I’ve seen you before.”

“I guess I just have that kind of face.” She shrugged but didn’t spare him a glance. “But I recognize you, too. You were at Ruby’s the other night. I was your server.”

“Right! But you said your name was Roe then. Why does your name tag say Lee? If you don't mind me asking.” The woman finally looked at him.

“My name is actually Rosalie. Most of my friends call me Roe, but this was the only uniform that fit me, so around here, I guess I go by Lee.”

“Rosalie.” He tested out the way it rolled out of his mouth, tilting his head down to shield his simper.

Harry occupied that bench every day for at least an hour after that. Roe’s coworkers began complaining that he was letting in a draft with how often he was the cause of the front door swinging open. He mostly sat and talked with Roe while she worked. Whether it stemmed from jealousy or his supposed distractions, a few guys, Eddie and Jace, also complained about him being there entirely. Roe knew them from the four years she had worked there and knew better than to do anything other than just let it go. Eventually, they would find another annoyance in their lives to complain about and Roe’s company would be spared. This knowledge, however, didn’t pacify Harry as much, regardless of how many times Roe tried to tell Harry it was nothing.

“Fuck, dude, stop coming around here. She’s a dyke, she doesn’t want you,” said Eddie the second Monday of Harry’s visits. Roe only rolled her eyes and shook her head at his comment. Harry continued on his path to his bench, but with fists shoved deeper into his pockets and his pace slowed.

“Hey Harry,” she greeted. Unsure how to respond, Harry nodded back at her. “Ignore Eddie. He's just a misogynistic bigot and a retard. He says stupid shit every day, you probably know that by now, but don’t listen to him. I kind of actually like you hanging around here.” She faced him and brushed her bangs off from her eyes, effectively smudging grease above her left brow.

“You really shouldn’t say that.”

“Which part?”

“The- you calling him a retard. Never mind, forget it.”

“No, you’re right. I’ve heard people say it’s offensive. Sorry.” A silence grew between them. Roe continued her work under the hood of his car. Harry watched. “I meant it though. I’m not a dyke, I’m bi. It doesn’t really matter. But.” Her voice softened with every word.

Roe refused to look up. It wasn’t as if coming out filled her with nausea and caused her to sway or itch like it used to. But the jump in her chest every time she saw him gave hint to her desire to be accepted by him, regardless of her sexuality, hair color, or outfit choice of the day.

“Oh, okay.” The silence grew larger, each of them awaiting the other’s next move. Harry realized he hadn’t had much of a response at all, and attempted to ramify it, not wanting her to feel rejected. “It doesn’t matter to me. I mean, your identity is important, but it doesn’t change how I see you or anything.” Roe nodded in thanks. 

For the first time that day, Harry noticed the hum of a Pink Floyd song beneath the clank of metal echoing through the room. It transported him back to his days crowded on a tour bus with four other boys his age. It was pertinent to twenty-year-old Harry to travel with a record player at all times. Some albums were truly made to be consumed this way, and not even the struggle of living out of a suitcase could interrupt this.

They were somewhere between Philadelphia and the next stop when the heat of American August really got to them. Harry set the needle on Pink Floyd’s 'Wish You Were Here' and laid on his back as spread-eagle as possible in the limited, cluttered floor of the bus. The stench of sweaty socks and forgotten beer and cigarettes were more pungent at this level, but after not sleeping for three days, Harry was at a point that he could deal with just about anything. 

One of his band mates, Liam, stepped over him to get to the toilet as the album transitioned from Shine On You Crazy Diamond to Welcome to the Machine. He scrunched his nose and shook his head, but Harry knew it wasn’t from the smell. Liam asked what he was doing and why, whatever it was, had to be in the center of the walkway. Harry kept his eyes shut and pretended to be asleep. He knew it didn’t fool Liam, but he couldn’t move even if he tried; from lack of energy or the way he lost every sense of himself in the music, he was unsure.

The radio in the auto shop played a song from a different album, but it still brought him comfort, even after the short conversations between him, Roe, and Eddie. The song drew to a close and an unfamiliar one began after it, but the silence them remained. Harry felt a strain in the back of his throat as if words were on the brink of fighting for their escape, but still, he spoke nothing. After an hour, the bench's cold metal bit into his thigh muscles so harshly, his feet tingled. So, he finally stood and shook his limbs.

“I was wondering when you were going to get bored. I’m surprised you’ve stayed this long, it’s almost four. Gettin’ dark out already,” Roe muttered the last part to herself in disbelief, but her smirk was definitely intended for Harry.

“Not bored, just stiff.” He frowned and shook his head. 

Roe’s phone vibrated in her back pocket, restraining her from pestering him anymore. The name ‘SARA BEAR’ flashed onto the screen. Roe thought about letting it go to voicemail, but after the third ring, she knew her friend deserved better than that. So, she spared a glance at Harry, who still stood to her side, so close she could smell the vanilla in his cologne and answered the call with a soft, “Hello?”

“Hey! Where are you right now?” Sara said. Roe faintly heard the chattering of familiar voices, so she assumed she was just now leaving work at her salon.

“I’m at the shop, why?”

“We should go out tonight! I feel like I haven’t seen you in months.”

Roe felt a tug in her heart. She hadn’t avoided Sara or her other friends, but with work and taking care of her siblings, the times she could take for herself had been rare. They celebrated Christmas two months ago, and with the holiday season came longer shifts to pay for the gifts the kids asked for. Caleb wanted a new skateboard; duct tape no longer held the old one together. Demi begged for headphones, the nice wireless kind, and her own makeup. According to her, she’s old enough to wear it now and would prefer to not share with her tanner sister. Roe disagreed, but somehow an eye shadow palette ended up under the Christmas tree anyway. River babbled nonsense louder in front of certain trucks and cars in the store when Roe carried him on her hip while she shopped for the others, so at least his gift was simple to find.

After the past couple of years, Lucas and Aaron no longer gave requests for Christmas gifts. They joined Roe in her extra hours at random jobs, helping to put food on the table a smile on the younger kids’ faces. It didn’t mean either of the boys ended up without a new shirt and pack of cigarettes of their own, though. It wasn’t much, but the sentiment was there, they all knew it, and that was enough.

So, yes, Roe thought, it had been months since she went out with Sara. But being a Wednesday meant the school run duty fell on her for the next morning. And Demi participated in her first soccer practice on Saturday. Sara understood every time when Roe had to cancel plans because one of the kids was sick, someone had to watch River, or her work schedule just didn’t fit with Sara’s. It’s one of the things that made her the perfect best friend.

“I’m sorry, Sara, I’m really busy this weekend. Another time?” Roe tried to keep herself as vague as possible, knowledgeable of the fact that Harry still stood so close. 

Sara protested minutely to Roe’s refusal, but eventually receded and allowed Roe to carry on with her work. Harry planted his feet only a few meters from her and observed the way she twisted a wrench here, replaced a small part there. He knew none of the names to any tool or part she used, but her grace and strength with each movement captivated him. He hoped her work enraptured her enough that his stare went unnoticed.


	3. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is slightly longer than the past two. I hope you enjoy where this is going! 
> 
> Leave kudos or a comment, I'd love to hear your thoughts!
> 
> xx

Harry entered Ruby’s Diner that Friday just as he had at the shop the past week. Except for this time, the ding of the cash register greeted him instead of his new auburn-haired friend. The term suited her well; he hoped she wouldn’t be offended by him referring to her as such. He searched the corners of the near-empty room with his eyes, still standing by the front door. Every day before he left, Roe made sure to tell him her work schedule in the most nonchalant way possible. It wasn't quite an invitation, rather an open acceptance to him becoming a regular at her workbench. She said she worked on Friday from seven to noon at the diner instead of Keystone, the auto body shop. He hadn’t been back since that first night they met, but they had good pie, he’ll admit. Keystone’s constant screeching of metal and the faint smell of burning oil didn’t deter him from seeing her, but Ruby’s had cushioned seating, a quieter crowd, and offered comfort food. It was obvious to him where he preferred to be.

Harry pulled his phone from his coat pocket. Seven-thirty-two. He bit his lip for a second but released it when he approached a woman with an apron tied around her round waist and a pen tucked into her short gray ponytail.

“Excuse me, Gretta,” Harry read from the name tag pinned on her plump chest, “I was wondering if Roe is working here today?”

“Darlin’, your guess is as good as mine. Was ‘possed to show up half an hour ago, but she ain’t here an’ didn’t call or nothin’.” Her southern drawl took him by surprise, given how far north they were. American accents no longer stumped him as they used to when he was seventeen and first touring overseas. But every once and a while, his ears decided their vowels and consonants were now a mystery. It frustrated him. Harry attempted to string thoughts together to give a response, but before he could, the bell above the front door jingled. “Well, speak o’ the devil!”

Roe frantically shoved her way behind the counter and grabbed a spare apron from a shelf below. It took more coordination than Harry guessed it would normally; a small boy sat on her left hip. His fists clung to her over sized Led Zeppelin shirt and he kept his head tucked into the side of her neck the entire time she went about setting up for the beginning of her shift. Despite the shadow of Roe’s chin concealing his face, Harry discerned from just one glimpse that the pair shared the same round nose and full cheeks.

“You better have a damn good excuse,” Gretta scolded when Roe finally stood in front of her.

“I know, I’m sorry. I was up with River all night, he’s sick, and the girl that normally babysits him is sick too so I had to- never mind, it doesn’t matter.” Roe must not have realized Harry was there already, he thought. She never acted like this in front of him before. “Lucas had a graveyard shift, but he just got off and he’ll be here any minute to take River.” She used the hand that wasn’t supporting the young boy to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, then rubbed his back as he started to go into a coughing fit.

River hiccuped once, rubbed his nose on Roe’s shirt collar and whimpered, “Mama.”

Roe gently shushed him, still rubbing his back. His breathing evened slowly and the tears that threatened to spill subsided. Gretta served Roe a disapproving glare but left her when a customer entered, looking for a table. Before Harry could make his presence known, someone else entered the diner and caught her attention. She sighed a breath of relief at the sight of him. Lucas.

A black button-up shirt with the word SECURITY embroidered above the left breast pocket clung to his broad frame. Like Roe, his thick, dark eyebrows drew close together, but as Roe swept closer, his shoulders visibly relaxed. The crease in his forehead below the edge of his nearly shaved head, however, remained ever-present.

They hugged, consequently pressing River in between them. Lucas placed a kiss on both of their foreheads and added his own hand to Rivers back alongside Roe’s. It was at this moment, Harry realized he knew absolutely nothing about the woman he devoted his week to. They occupied the same space and spoke often. They spoke about Chicago, their favorite movies, and his damaged car. But here, with a child wrapped in her arms and wrinkles deeply set around her eyes and corners of her mouth- he knew nothing.

Although Harry only caught pieces of their hushed conversation, it was enough to know that he shouldn’t be leaning in to hear every word the way he currently was. But, curiosity and hunger ignited inside of him, and he found himself taking a seat in the nearest bar stool to solidify his shameful behavior despite heat rising to his cheeks as he did so.

“This can’t be happening again. I was so scared, Lucas.” Roe shook her head as if to shake the memories or the fear or general situation away. Harry had never seen her eyes that wide.

“You said he was just throwing up? Had a fever?” Roe nodded, “Then I think he’s okay. If he hasn’t had a seizure or memory issue, it isn’t like last time. It’s just the flu or something normal that any four year old would get,” he reassured.

Roe hardly seemed convinced but after some coaxing and Lucas promising over and over to watch him carefully, she finally left the doorway of the diner to begin her workday- now technically an hour into her shift. With everything he heard, Harry hesitated to make himself known. He thought of his former band mate, Zayn. Former friend, he assumed too, now. The minute anything went wrong in his life, he couldn’t stand to be around other people. He once got into an argument with his father over the phone and refused to speak to anyone else for two days. He never knew how to console him. He still doesn’t know what that argument was about. Maybe Roe was like that. She just needed to cope alone.

It was once again made painfully clear he knew nothing about her. The moment her eyes connected with his, her shoulders relaxed. The closest thing to a smile hung from her lips as she asked what he was doing there. She didn’t mention River or anything he just witnessed.

A week later, they continued spending time together as if nothing had happened that day at the diner. Harry felt the urge to ask about it several times but feared he was toeing the line a little too closely. He didn’t want to burst the bubble they found themselves in, but at the same time, he was no longer satisfied with knowing so little about the woman who kept his loneliness at bay while fixing his car or serving french fries to strangers. They continued having empty conversations with each other into the third week of knowing each other. Harry grew sick of it.

“Did you know I have a cat?” he mentioned randomly that Wednesday afternoon.

“No, I didn’t know that,” Roe chuckled at his impetuous nature as she refilled the salt and pepper shakers sitting on the counter.

“Would you like to meet her?”

The words took him by surprise as soon as they fell from his lips. He couldn’t remember the last time he invited someone new to his apartment. All of the people in his life had been there for years. Up until a couple of months ago, he was traveling so much, he wasn’t even given an opportunity to make new friends, much less invite them to- what? The tour bus he shared with his band? No, there was no point.

Much to Harry’s astonishment and embarrassment, Roe agreed. He nearly retracted his offer, afraid of the state his apartment might be in. Anxiety over how she’ll see his unwashed dishes and dirty carpet nearly overtook his every thought. She must have felt his unease and assured him how eager she was; cats were her favorite animal.

~~~

Roe’s brows furrowed more deeply the longer the two of them rode the L. The closer they got to the inner city, the more her questions were answered. The glimmering rings he seemed to never take off, the wool coat, the aura of- something bigger than she had ever known; it made sense now, seeing the location of his apartment. The puzzle pieces were clear, she just didn’t know how they all fit together yet. She couldn't figure out what the picture was. And perhaps, she thought, she didn’t even have nearly enough puzzle pieces to begin with.

His apartment building was a ten-minute walk from the L station, but dusk surrounded them serenely, despite Chicago’s city life pulsing rapidly around them. Harry avoided contact with Roe from the time they stepped onto the pavement until he unlocked his door. She found it odd, but perhaps his anxiety had returned.

Large bay windows were the first things that stole her attention the moment they entered Harry’s apartment. Night fell only minutes ago, but the city lights shone through the white curtains that fell in bunches in front of the over sized glass, giving everything the illusion that it was sparkling. It shouldn’t have surprised her when a cat with brown and black markings leaped onto the kitchen counter beside her, she was the reason they were here. Her paws thudded dully as she prowled towards them.

“Hello, darling, did you miss me?” Harry greeted.

He scratched behind her ear for a moment before opening the fridge to dish out the feline’s dinner. Magnets adorning the skylines of New York, Chicago, and Tokyo held various greeting cards on the center of the fridge. A coffee mug lay unwashed in the sink. Roe assumed a brightly colored image used to be plastered there but had since faded and chipped away with repeated use, leaving only specs of red, purple, and blue in an abstract shape.

Several picture frames of various sizes hung unevenly above an olive green couch that looked like it hadn’t been sat on since it was placed there, in the adjacent room. The pictures were too fuzzy to see from a distance, but given the warmth they radiated, she thought they must capture images of the people he loved most. She expected a large television to face the wall of frames but was surprised to find a nearly full wooden shelf. A small, pink record player sat near the top. Records, books, and candles filled the remaining shelves. On one of the middle ones, a miniature golden figurine of a plump woman lay atop a stack of yellowing papers. 

Roe’s distracted gaze fell when she felt a gentle nudge against her shins. She always wanted a cat. She begged her parents for one for her tenth birthday. She assured them every day how responsible she could be- it would be no one’s problem but hers, and she almost convinced them, too. That year was one of the better ones. Her parents were mostly sober on weekdays, took her and her siblings to school on time, and even made dinner for them most nights. She knew adding a cat into the mix would be too much. Too perfect. Like a normal family. Her mom gave birth to the twins later that year. They never got a cat.

“She really likes you. She only does that to people she trusts. Usually, she just runs away.” Harry stood leaned against the counter with his hands rested in the pocket of his gray hoodie.

“What’s her name?”

“Ham.” Roe couldn’t help but let a single laugh escape before she covered her surprised grin with a hand. “Well, her full name is actually Hamlet, but she goes by Ham for short.”

“Why? Isn’t he a crazy murderer?”

“You’ve read it?”

“No, just tried helping my brothers with book reports. The internet is a helpful place.” Ham stretched her front paws up towards Roe’s thighs and arched her back with a pleasant meow, begging to be pet. “Why Hamlet?”

“I found her in a bookshop in Italy. She was sitting on a copy of the play. I thought it would be an amusing name.”

Roe nodded in agreement, although thought there had to be a more elegant name in the story more fitting for such a graceful and beautiful animal. But, for the life of her, she could not recall any of the other characters.

“My- an old friend of mine tried convincing me to change her name to Ophelia since I wanted a Shakespeare name, but she never responded to it. So. Ham.”

Ham continued raising her paws towards Roe, like a toddler asking to be held. She gave in and picked her up easily, tucking her into the crook of her right elbow. Harry stepped closer. He may have been biased, but with his cat cradled in her arms, she had never looked so serene. Most times, she shed the extra layer of sarcasm and the certain edge that hung on her voice if they were together at the diner rather than with the other male workers at the auto shop. She was always kind. But, her edges softened the more time she spent in the diner. Now, Harry could barely tell she had edges at all. He wished she might like to be like this more often.

He only realized he leaned in to kiss her when she tensed, prompting Ham to worm out of her grasp. He froze, staying exactly where he was. Their lips didn't touch, but he could feel her warm breath on his chin. He hoped it wasn’t just his imagination how erratic it was.

”I’m sorry. I just wasn't expecting-”

”No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to misread the signals.” He didn't want to apologize. He didn't want to return to his position leaning against the counter. But he did.

”You read right. You just caught me off guard, is all.”

This time, Roe fell into Harry. She grasped the pocket of his sweatshirt as their lips finally connected. This was the most they had ever touched since the moment they met. Roe always assumed he would be cold, given the number of layers he always wore. But now, warmth emanated from him. Roe slid a hand through his long curly hair without a second thought, effectively encouraging him to squeeze her hips.

When Ham meowed from her new spot on the counter behind Harry, they broke apart breathless, still grasping each other, afraid to be the first to let go. Harry searched her eyes for any more hesitation. When he found none, he dove back in and slid his hand down her left thigh, bringing her closer.

After a few moments, Roe pulled away again but grabbed Harry’s hand and dragged him to the couch in the living room. A smile enveloped his face and he shook his head minutely at her unapologetic boldness. They dropped onto the cushions less gracefully than intended, but neither seemed to care.

~~

The vibration of Roe’s phone drew her from her sleep. She reluctantly sat up with a groan and saw the phone lit up under what looked like her jeans on the floor. The curtains in Harry’s living room were thin, but the sun had yet to rise, allowing the room to still be hugged in darkness. Roe gazed at Harry before answering. She waited so long, it nearly went to voicemail. He laid still and, unbeknownst to her, awake.

”Lucas. Why are you calling me at, ” Roe searched the room for a clock and found one hanging on the wall near the window, ”five in the morning?” Roe groaned but tried her best to keep her volume down as to not disturb Harry. Last night, they were both too tired to move from the couch after everything and ended up falling asleep right there. Harry suggested transferring to his bed so they could have more space and be more comfortable, but Roe protested that she was already perfectly comfortable laying atop Harry’s chest. He was too endeared to challenge her any further.

”Where are you?”

”None of your business.”

”You better not be fucking Ariel. I told you, you need to let her go.”

”I'm just at a friend’s house. It was late, so I crashed here last night. I’m not fucking anyone, so just leave me alone.” An annoyed stillness passed between them before Roe asked, ”Why did you call, anyway?”

”I got called in for an early shift at the diner, Tito is sick. Need you to do the school run this morning.”

”Yeah, whatever, I'll be home soon.”

They hung up without exchanging goodbyes, but Roe couldn't find the energy to care. She pushed off the couch and tried her best not to disrupt the naked man in what she assumed to be his innocuous sleep. She got dressed relatively quickly, given the ungodly hour that Lucas decided to wake her. She contemplated saying goodbye to Harry, but in the end, she thought it best to just leave. Ham met her at the door, begging for attention. Roe gave her a scratch behind her ears and slipped out the door without another thought.

When the door finally clicked shut, Harry sat up and ran his hands over his face. Who was she talking to? Why did she lie to them? Why did she leave without saying goodbye? He had never explicitly thought of Roe as anything more than a friend, and last night just happened so fast. Over the years, he’s had a couple of one-night stands; they’re inevitable for someone his age. It’s not typical that the other party stays in the morning, but something about Roe leaving rubbed him the wrong way and he couldn’t explain why. Maybe it’s because he thought they actually resembled friends- she wouldn’t use him like that, would she? She’s given no indication of knowing his “celebrity status” (he hated that phrase), and he liked to think he can read people well. But there was always someone that slipped through the cracks.

Harry threw himself back into the couch and let it envelop him. He pulled a throw blanket over his body and tucked it under his chin. Wishing for sleep to return, he pressed his eyes shut, but his thoughts and heart raced too fast for him to calm down.

“What are you staring at?” Harry grumbled as Ham leaped onto the armrest of the couch. She hovered over his face, sitting stoically, “For a nonverbal animal, you’re awfully judgmental.”


	4. 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok. ive been quarantining for a little over a month and i feel like i should be writing more because nows the perfect time but holy lord my writers block was a bitch. so. i have finally finished chapter 4 and it is long but i am actually happy with it.
> 
> i hope you are all doing well and staying safe. im sending you all my love and virtual hugs xxx

Demeter emanated the power of a goddess from the day she was born. Her parents chose her name randomly from a book at the hospital, but fate wouldn't go unheard. Demeter screeched and cried so much in her first few weeks of life, it surprised Roe that the windows never shattered. Most times, those cries went unanswered, leaving Roe with a hot stone in her stomach. Six children were a lot to handle. She knew that then, and she knows it now. But if she can make it work- take care of all of these kids as a single twenty-one-year-old woman, dammit, why couldn’t they?

Demi didn’t cry as much anymore, but her boldness remained. Sometimes, Roe forgot she’s still young and in need of tenderness. She made it seem like she could accomplish anything, and Roe ended up believing it most times, not seeing the insecurity and fear that every girl her age had.

She and River joined Roe that Sunday at Keystone, the auto body shop. She did this every so often, wanting to learn how it all worked. But with the rest of their brothers busy for the day, Roe assumed she just didn’t want to be alone. Roe refrained from asking about it and handed her a socket wrench before pointing to the last bolt on Harry’s car that needed to be tightened.

“Does it usually take you three weeks to fix a car? Thought you were better than that,” her voice trailed off near the end, but she smirked with the knowledge that Roe clearly heard her. In response, she playfully whipped a rag at her knees.

“No, it’s usually quicker, but this baby is super rare- and vintage, so I had to specially order some parts online.”

"So, what now?"

Roe’s chest tightened; the image of Harry’s face hovering above hers, hot breaths painting over her cheeks as they rocked together ever-present in her mind since that night barely a week ago, “Well, now we have to call and tell the owner to come to pick up his car.” She tried her best to allow brightness in her voice, but the dread of her upcoming task dissuaded her. Somehow every time an image of Harry found itself in her mind, an image of Ariel frowning, disappointed paired with it. 

She could so easily ask another coworker to call in her place. Maybe even get Demi to call for her. They hadn't spoken since that night, and Roe started to suspect this was his intention. This wasn't the first time she was ”ghosted” as her siblings call it. For some reason, it felt different this time. Perhaps it was a good thing that Harry forgot about her, though. Every time she recalled the way his heady scent lingered around her for days, energy jolted through her legs, her toes, her fingers, an itch crawled under her skin that she could never satisfy. It irritated her.

Demi attempted to cover her judgmental stare as she played with River, poking his belly with the pens she found lying on the counter, causing giggles to erupt from the tiniest of the Byrne siblings. Roe reluctantly pulled up Harry’s file on the computer and at the top, his phone number presented itself in bold lettering. She punched the numbers into the building’s landline, shaking her head. She was being overly dramatic, she knew. It rang once. Then again. And again. Again. Nothing. He didn’t even have an automated message encouraging her to leave a voicemail. She dialed again. It rang once. Twice. Three times. Four. By the fifth ring, she built up the momentum to slam it back into the receiver, but a soft, “Hello,” halted her movements.

“Hi.”

“Yes, hello, who is this?” His accusatory tone shocked her, but she regained her composure quickly enough that Demi remained unaware.

“This is Roe. From Keystone. Your car is finished, you need to come to pick it up.” The sharpness of her tongue hadn’t come from a place of malice or intention, yet it somehow slipped forward in her uncertainty and the uncomfortable position she worked herself into.

“I can be there,” he paused, most likely checking the clock or his schedule. Roe wondered what he did when he wasn’t with her, but she only allowed herself to question it once. No more. Roe heard him click his tongue a couple of times through the speaker, “in about an hour if that’s alright?” 

Roe quickly agreed and hung up, desperate to shed the heaviness that blanketed over her. For the next hour, Roe couldn’t stop fidgeting. She cleaned the counters, reorganized her tool box, confirmed the next shipment of parts, cleaned the counters again, and swept the floors. Nearly all of her coworkers shook their head and huffed at her erratic behavior. Even her siblings caught on.

“Roe, why you do that? Can we play now?” River pouted in Demi’s arms, his pronunciation of the 'r' in her name sounding more like 'w'. 

With so many older siblings, Roe thought his speech and intelligence would be higher than the average four-year-old. Yet, he barely spoke, and when he did it was always accompanied by a lisp or a slur or a plain mispronunciation. She understood that he could only do so much given his youth, but there was never a lack of guilt for not being able to help him get rid of what seemed to be early signs of a speech impediment. Especially because in this case, there was a reason for the damage, and one very specific person to blame.

Roe always fought her hardest to forget about it- leave it in the past, but every cough, nightmare, or slurred syllable reminded her that her baby brother was not the healthy toddler he should be. It broke her heart constantly. Of course, they only spoke about this on rare occasions and in hushed tones- River was none the wiser. She didn’t even know how much the twins comprehended about everything that happened. So, they carried on life as normally as possible, with Roe storing away her anxiety and guilt, and helping him with everything she thought a four-year-old should do. 

The three of them had just begun racing the Hot Wheels when they were interrupted by a man clearing his throat. With her thoughts having been consumed with River, Roe nearly forgot the entire reason they were waiting there in the first place. Demi’s squawk-like gasp caught her attention before she even got a chance to look at the man looming above her seat on the ground. Demi’s eyes widened and her face tinted pink. Roe had never seen such a reaction from her and it drew out confusion and almost a bit of panic. 

“Dee- what’s wrong?” Roe stood and placed her hands on her hips. 

“Harry Styles,” she breathed, still not calming her features, and Roe simply had no answer for how her sister could know her client- and one night stand. River, oblivious to the situation, tugged on the bottom of Roe’s shirt asking to be held, to which she easily obliged. 

Harry breathed out a stilted laugh, trying not to show his discomfort- but Roe caught it for a brief moment. He scratched his nose, rubbed his neck and offered a polite smile as Demi finally lifted herself off of the ground, “Hello darling, how are you?” If Demi looked like she was close to passing out before, it was nothing compared to how she fared now. 

“Don’t call her “darling”, she’s eleven. Does someone want to tell me what the fuck is going on? How do you two know each other?” Roe hiked River higher up on her hip. Harry knew that their time together was not enough to allow her full trust in him, her tone was evidence enough. But the sharpness in her voice wounded him slightly. 

“I am, uh, I was in a band. One Direction?” 

He didn’t mean for it to come out sounding like a question, but all of the awkward attention placed on him made his voice higher and more uncertain than he intended for it to be. His night with Roe started replaying in his mind the moment he heard her voice through his phone and he hadn’t been able to tame the fire in his stomach since. Recognition flashed in Roe’s eyes, which brought some comfort, but somehow it didn’t bring him any satisfaction. 

“I’m guessing you're a fan?” he addressed Demi. Still speechless, she only nodded her head. “Would you like a picture?” He cut his eyes towards Roe in search of approval. While still obviously guarded, she seemed less tense than a few moments ago so he took it as an ‘okay’. 

Roe cautiously set River next to his Hot Wheels once again and pulled out her cracked iPhone to snap a picture of her little sister, still stiff with surprise, and a man she barely knew holding up a peace sign. 

“Demi, watch River while I finish getting Harry’s car ready.” Demi started to protest her sister’s instruction, but a simple look from Roe made her stop in her tracks. She gave one more wishful look towards the tall man with long curly hair and settled onto the cement floor beside her brother with a pout. Roe led Harry to the counter and started closing out his file. 

“Your hair’s different,” Roe said, giving him the total he had left to pay. Harry handed her his card. 

“Yeah. Was messy so I put it up.”

“Sorry it took so long to get your car done.”

“That’s okay.”

“You’re free now, I guess,” she said as she passed him his receipt and car keys.

“Actually, I think I’m planning on staying in Chicago for a little bit.”

With a nod and a “have a good day” Harry drove out of the garage and Roe let her shoulders fully relax for the first time that morning. 

~~~~~~~~

Despite sharing a womb for nine months, a crib for two years, and a cramped house for the next 9 years after that, somehow Caleb was the precise opposite of Demeter. Roe never gave herself grace or forgave Fae for being Caleb’s favorite; his connection with her matched no other. 

”Hey, teacher conferences are this week since we're about halfway through the spring semester, now. How do you feel about everything? Anything you want me to bring up with them?” She sat on the armrest of the couch, wanting to show this conversation was serious to her, but not an I’m-the-mom-right-now-so-listen-and-respect-me type of moment, which she has had with him in the past and knew he hated to the fullest extent.

Caleb shrugged and bit the skin around his nails, but kept his eyes fixated on the TV screen across the room. Demi entered the room then, plopping onto the couch in between her and their brother. 

”You should get Ms. Esling’s number, Caleb’s been crushing on her for weeks. And he’s failing Intro to Chemistry and Pre-Algebra, so I’d definitely check in with those teachers,” she snickered.

”Shut the fuck up, toad face!” Caleb punched her in the shoulder. It was relatively restrained compared to what she knew he could have done, but the insult mixed with his strike made her wince slightly. 

Roe didn't make an effort to scold either of them, fully knowing this behavior was normal between them and essentially harmless. Manners only mattered when judgmental eyes of the public watched, and presently, the only thing that watched was River’s purple raggedy stuffed pig slumped against the foot of the coffee table. 

Roe didn’t get Ms. Esling’s number, but Caleb was indeed failing a few classes. His teachers described his lack of effort and general behavioral problems in the classroom: talking too much, making rude remarks, skipping class, even vandalizing some of the desks and lockers. Roe saw the revulsion in his eyes every day that he came home from school, backpack sagging off of one shoulder with crumpled papers sticking out. She heard his complaints about the work, but had it really been that bad?

By the time she arrived back home from his middle school, Roe planned out everything she would say to Caleb. At first, her exasperation towards his poor behavior overtook her and all she could think about was swatting him upside the head and saying ”what the hell, dude?”. But with every step closer and closer to the house, Roe began to process all of the things his teachers shared with her and suddenly, a weightiness hit her chest that she knew she must address. 

Her thoughts clouded her brain so much that when she finally reached the steps leading to her front door, the presence of her least desirable ex made her jolt in surprise. She hoped this would not become a pattern for them. 

”Ariel, you really have to stop coming around here.” 

Ariel stood from the bottom step and adjusted her black ponytail. Roe thought she always looked disappointed due to the way her slender eyes slanted down at the ends and she wore a permanent frown wherever she went, but in the gloom of winter’s early evening, everything seemed even more exaggerated- especially Ariel’s sorrowful appearance. 

”I miss you, baby. More than just physically, you know? I miss being with you all the time. I think we can fix it. We can make it work, ” she pleaded. 

”No, we really can’t.” Roe desperately wanted to be able to push past her. To walk inside without another thought. But, she felt the same pull toward Ariel that she always did, no matter how much she wanted to turn and run away. 

”We can. I love you, ” she said as if that's all she thought it would take. Roe tried to deny the fact that at some level, hearing those words made her breath hitch.

”No you don’t. You don't respect me or any of the decisions I make for my kids, therefore you can't love me. End of story.” 

She believed what she said, yet her tongue took convincing to push the words through her teeth. They fought this battle too many times for Roe to keep track of; when Ariel asked her to move in and leave the kids, and every time Roe couldn't go on a date or stay at her apartment because the kids came first. They always came first. When Roe kicked Fae’s boyfriend, James, out, Fae was gone not long after, and Ariel screamed at Roe for being selfish and inconsiderate. Ariel simply didn’t respect her decisions. This, however, did not cause Roe’s heart to stop trembling every time she appeared, even at the worst of times.

Ariel opened and closed her mouth twice as the urgency and desperation she once had of convincing Roe to stay slowly faded into the dust beneath their feet. Roe heard herself say she had to go inside and talk to Caleb, but her feet remained planted in the earth. After a few beats of silence, Ariel took Roe’s calloused hands in her own petite ones. 

“I do. I really do love you,” she hushed so gently that had she spoken any quieter, the wind would carry away every syllable. 

Roe’s heart pounded deeper into her chest. This was a game to Ariel and she knew every winning play in the book. Roe’s knees buckled and found herself swaying into the woman in front of her. She didn’t know who initiated it, but within moments, they were connected- lips, hands, souls. They flowed together, meshed into one. Roe took a step towards the house and Ariel mirrored it until Ariel grasped blindly for the doorknob behind her. Roe just started to wonder where she ended and the woman attached to her began when suddenly her trance broke and the canvas blanket draped over her brain fell away. They had stumbled over scattered objects across the floor- Caleb’s muddy black sneakers. 

“No,” Ariel grumbled and dropped her forehead to Roe’s shoulder, out of breath.

“What?”

“You have that look on your face. The one where your eyebrows scrunch and you pucker your lips to one side. The face you make before you start a fight or kick me out.” 

“Maybe we just-” Roe softened her features and let her shoulders droop.

“No!” 

“We just went too fast and I’m not-”

“Fuck you! You were the one that initiated this, you don’t get to just flip a switch and decide not to want me anymore.” 

Roe was used to her outbursts after so many years, and rarely did anything leave her speechless, but it was as if every word she knew suddenly dissipated into the stiff air between them. Fortunately, neither of them had the chance to say anything else, as Aaron entered through the front door only feet away from them.

“I could hear you guys yelling from the moon, Jesus Christ. Some of us are trying to live peaceful lives, you know?” Roe sighed a breath of relief, knowing she was no longer alone on her side of the battlefield. Aaron rarely gave his honest opinion of people, but his clear avoidance of Ariel revealed more than words could ever explain. 

Ariel huffed a few more expletives before promptly shoving Roe’s brother out of her way in her escape from what had become another night to regret. Embarrassment warmed Roe’s cheeks; partially from being caught, and partially for it taking place at all. Being in this purgatory state with Ariel exhausted her and she couldn’t decide if it would be less painful to give in or give up. Plus, now the guilt of her night with Harry added more weight than she ever anticipated. Had she cheated on Ariel? No. She made it clear they were no longer together. That, however, was months ago, and they’ve seen each other too much, too intimately for it to really be true.

Thinking about all of this brought a sharp pain behind her eyes and it took all of her remaining energy to smile at Aaron. “I have to go talk to Caleb,” she excused herself. Aaron shrugged his slender shoulders and shuffled into the kitchen. 

Roe’s conversation with Caleb went much better than she expected. It felt like they were able to talk and truly listen to each other for the first time in years. Sometimes, Roe’s problems become blinders tethered to her head and she can barely manage to look ahead, much less remove them to see the other people around her. Together, Roe and Caleb promised to be more mindful of the other’s feelings and check in on each other more often. 

Caleb reluctantly agreed to try harder in school and not be such a pain in the ass to his teachers, but Roe knew it would take time- he couldn’t just flip a switch and change. She didn’t want him to change anyway. Sure, his behavior and work ethic left something to be desired, but at the core of it, that’s who he was. He’s sarcastic and stubborn. Sharp witted. And she loved every part of it; he’s a Byrne after all.


	5. 5

Roe was ten years old the first time she stole. Granted, it was a set of watercolor paints and a single, ragged brush from her elementary school, but still, she saw herself as a first-time thief. Her class just finished their painting unit in their art class, and while everyone except Ethan, her best friend, had their attention elsewhere, she slipped the supplies into her backpack. That was two weeks after the twins were born. Lucas found her stolen goods, barely eight at the time, and tried convincing her to return them because everybody knows that people who steal go to jail, and he couldn’t have his big sister go to jail. 

Of course, Roe promised Lucas she was safe, and it was okay for her to keep her paints. That, however, didn’t stop her from hiding them whenever Blue Uniforms searched through the house. They always came with loud shouts and left with one or both of her parents. No. Her paints were safe. There was a spot between her dresser and the wall where the case could sit without falling to the ground. You only saw it if you knew it was there. 

Roe woke up that Tuesday with a picture of it in her mind, still behind the dresser, collecting dust. It had been there since she was fourteen, and the Blue Uniform left with her dad like they had many times before. But unlike those other times, he didn’t come waltzing back through the front door weeks or months later with a smirk on his lips and shake of his bald head. She left the case there, told herself she would bring it out again when her father’s boots clunked around their house. Day after day, her hope dwindled until she forgot of its existence entirely- until now. 

With a lull in clients at Keystone and today as her day off at the diner, what harm could she do by pulling the old dried up pigments from their hiding place? River was her only company at home, but she put him down for a nap only moments ago. So, Roe set up her paper, watercolor, and brush, and water in a cracked plastic cup that read “Pirates Cove!” on the kitchen table in the sunlight of midday. It was all there- her supplies, time, quietness, ambition to create, yet she couldn’t think of anything to paint. No subject. No muse. At least, not one she desired admitting to.

Roe slouched into her chair and crossed her arms over her chest. This was not how it was supposed to go. She wanted to paint a flower or some fruit. She wanted to be able to paint freely, without thoughts of a lingering lover plaguing her mind and ultimately restricting the feeling in her fingertips. It was as if she were actually there with her hands anchored around Roe’s wrists. 

Perhaps Roe was not meant to be an artist. She shook her head and blew a puff of air to send her bangs away from her eyes. She picked up her phone and dialed the only number she still knew by heart. 

~~~

Harry’s ringtone drew him from his warm afternoon nap. His body never knew which timezone to align itself with, and with no work for the unforeseen future, Harry found himself napping more than he did when he was a toddler. He wiped the crusted sleep out of the corners of his eyes and untangled his phone from the sheets near his left knee. “Niall Horan” lit up the screen in bold lettering under a picture of said man doing a handstand on top of one of their tour buses. Harry took that picture on their first tour and always admired it. By the time he was ready to answer the call, it was too late, sending Niall off. 

Harry ran his hands over his face again. Certainly, Niall would have his ear for that one. Sure enough, seconds later, his phone rang again. “Hey,” Harry answered, his voice heavy. 

“Hey mate, you alright? You didn’t answer, and you sound,” he paused, “tired?” 

“I’m fine. You woke me is all.”

“Oh.”

“Did you need something?” Harry loved talking with his best friend, but a much timider and hesitant voice had replaced the Irishman’s typically quick and carefree one. 

“No, no. Just checking in on you. Seeing how you’re doing is all.”

“I’m fine, Niall, really. Say what it is that you want to say, I know you have something,” Harry huffed. 

“I- all the boys, well really Liam and me, we want you to know that we’re here for you and,” he paused again. Harry thought he might’ve heard whispering on the other end, but perhaps he imagined it, “we know you’re going through a tough time with everything- more than us for sure. Just- we’re here if you want to talk.” 

Harry sighed as Niall continued his speech. Biding his time, he cast his gaze towards his window. A mourning dove landed on the fire escape and snatched a cockroach into his beak. The insect twisted its legs in an attempt to escape but soon gave up before the bird dove back down into the alley. Envy pinched his chest, but for which party, he did not know. 

When Niall eventually stopped tripping over his words, Harry reassured him that he was fine and would call him in the case that he was not. They gave their goodbyes and hung up not long after. With no plans for the rest of the day, Harry allowed himself to fall back into slumber despite dinner hours approaching.

~~~

“I’m so glad you called, I needed this. And by the looks of it, you do too, babe,” Sara shouted in Roe’s ear over the thumping bass of a song she didn’t recognize.

Roe tried her best to let everything go and allow the tequila to numb her throat. Secretly, she hoped it would numb everything above it as well, but so far the drink was failing on both fronts. She just went through the motions; take shots, dance, shout some song lyrics, repeat. These nights were rare, and they usually hit the reset button on her stress levels. It wasn’t often she could let loose and not think about anything worrisome for a few hours. 

But tonight, no matter what she did, she could only picture Ariel in the crowd next to her. Roe’s heart twitched at every glimpse she caught of a brunette, and her chest burned because of it. She’s not so sure she can blame it on the tequila.

Tequila, however, was to blame for her following actions. A simple ‘hey’ sat in the text box under Harry’s contact for several moments, the blinking text cursor mocking her loneliness and indecision. She saved his number from work one night in case of emergency- whatever an emergency at an automobile shop would look like. She swore she wouldn’t hit send, honestly, but a petite woman bumped into her shoulder and suddenly there’s no way for it to be undone. She chewed her nails with a furrowed brow as the ‘delivered’ sign quickly turned into ‘read’ and three dots appeared underneath it before a reply came through.

‘Who is this?’ it read. Shit. This was a mistake. 

’roe. sprry’

’Oh. Are you ok?’ Roe looked up, sifting through her thoughts for a response. 

A dancing couple caught her eye, distracting her from the task at hand. The woman nuzzled her nose in her partner’s neck, swaying several beats too slowly for the song pumping through the speakers. The man didn’t seem to mind, just swayed with her, arms resting naturally on her lower back. The rest of the dimly lit room meant nothing to them. The ceiling’s strobe lights were shooting stars for all they cared.

Roe fleetingly wondered if she and Ariel ever looked like that. They never slow danced in the kitchen or stargazed together- “We’re not a romcom, Roe,” she would say. But, after long days of work and taking care of the kids, they laid atop each other on the scratchy living room couch, and Ariel hummed Something by The Beatles as she played with Roe’s hair until they both drifted asleep. Did it look like that? Natural? 

The couple from before was now nowhere to be found and she worried about their mere existence at all. Rubbing a hand over her face, she responded to Harry, ’fine just drunk’. Before she could convince herself otherwise, she added, ’miss yu’. 

This time, it took several minutes for a word back from Harry. Roe anxiously nursed a beer after deciding to take it easy on the tequila shots. The room spun, and she honestly needed to sit down, but she kept her eyes transfixed on her phone. 

’Do you want to come over?’ 

With that, Roe made her way through the crowd towards Sara. It took a moment to locate her in the throng of bodies, but when she did, she made up an excuse of being tired and wanting to call it a night early. Sara understood because of course, she always does. Her kindness left Roe with a slight weightiness as she slipped her jean jacket on and stumbled to the train station a few blocks away. 

Even in her state, Roe remembered the route to Harry’s apartment. It wasn't a long journey from the bar, and soon enough, she knocked at his door. She barely had time to question her motives before it swung open to reveal Harry half-dressed. A pair of loose black sweatpants clung to his hips and a smug grin hung lazily from his lips. They spared but a moment as Roe stepped inside and dragged him closer by the drawstring of his pants, but despite their impatience, they first connected their lips leisurely.

“You taste like beer,” he giggled.

“You,” she traced her tongue down his neck and nipped at his collarbone, “smell like weed.”

”Aren’t we a pair?” 

Roe kept her fingertips at his waistband, teasing gently as Harry guided them through the living room. Roe nearly pulled away, expecting to settle on the couch again, but Harry kept leading them down the hall. Every few steps, their footing fumbled, and they had to rely on the wall for stability. Harry’s hand sank into her thigh at the bottom of her body-con skirt, and as the kiss grew heavier, the only thought running through Roe’s mind was, take it off. 

She would like to say they fell gracefully into the bed, but anyone in their right mind would know better. Roe’s fingernails dug into the skin behind Harry’s shoulder blade. She nearly apologized, but he let out a broken sigh and whispered, “again”. Roe scratched again, this time dragging towards the sides of his ribs. They toyed like this for a few moments longer, reveling in each other's heat, rutting against each other. In the midst of this, her skirt had been pushed up to bunch around the thinner part of her waist, and Harry’s sweatpants were nowhere to be found. Roe’s jacket and tank top straps slipped from her shoulders, providing Harry the perfect opportunity to bite marks into her tanned skin. They rocked together, taking only what they needed from the other- perhaps an iota more. In the absence of speaking, their heavy breaths filled the room until Roe nearly felt the weight of it enclosing her every limb. By the time Harry’s final moans subsided, Roe became hyperaware of the sweat beading on her forehead and the stickiness between her thighs. It made her nauseous.

They rolled away from each other slowly, disentangling limbs and the sheet that had become wedged between them. The bed had been slovenly before either of them fell into it; Roe could only imagine how badly the sheets needed to be washed now. She sighed and pushed herself from the bed, finding her clothes hurriedly. Harry stayed still and silent. Somehow after how close they had been only moments ago, they couldn’t meet the gaze of the other. Roe wanted to ignore the panicked “shit” that fell from Harry’s lips, but she couldn’t. Weed paranoia would give a weak excuse for the tension in his face. Something was wrong.

“What is it?” A tall mirror rested against the wall beside Harry’s dresser and Roe only took five seconds looking through it as she combed her bangs with her fingers to abandon it as a lost cause. She counted the lucky stars she hadn't worn makeup; if she had, there’s no telling the kinds of looks she would get on the way home, and that’s saying something. Here’s to hoping the lame hour would allow her to stay somewhat anonymous. She gave herself one last once-over before casting her gaze to Harry, more than ready for his answer.

“Are you on the pill, by any chance?” he grimaced.

“Shit.”

Roe allowed her face to fall into her hands for a moment. She quickly recovered, putting up a stone wall in her head, and continued her mission of collecting her things. This time, her emotions were included.

“Where are you going?”

“Home,” she replied sharper than she intended.

“I mean, all hope isn’t lost, or whatever. I can give you money for a Plan-B or something. I very well can’t go buy one, it’ll end up in a magazine, and it’ll probably be expensive for you.” It sounded pretentious even before the sentence was fully formed. Even so, Roe merely shook her head and shoved her heels into her sneakers faster. “Fuck! I’m sorry, love, I didn’t mean it.”

“Doesn’t matter if you meant it when we both know it’s true.”

“You could stay. We could figure something out?” It had been at least an hour since her last drink but she was still feeling the effects of it, and by the droop of his eyelids, Roe didn’t trust Harry’s sobriety either. The best thing for them was separating, Roe decided.

“Sorry. I just don’t really do the whole morning thing. Plus, I’ve got to work tomorrow. Earn my own money.”

“Ok,” he clears his throat, “yeah, I get it. Sorry, again.”

“It’s fine,” she demanded coolly. 

Roe only looked back once as she left Harry’s room. From their conversation, she half expected him to offer to walk her out. But, the telltale sound of a lighter clicking allowed her to take the final steps out the door with confidence. Her heart still beat quickly with adrenaline despite the quietness the Red Line provided her on her journey home. Winter showed no mercy, and by the time she stepped on the platform, her jean jacket barely provided any comfort. In some backward way, she was thankful for the sub-freezing temperatures. It kept her from overthinking the events of the night. 

Roe unlocked her front door just shy of four in the morning. Despite her numb fingers and slight dizziness, she managed to go inside and kick off her sneakers without falling into a heap on the ground. Upon entering the living room, she noticed Lucas. He sat on the middle cushion of the couch, slouched so far down, she worried he would get a crick in his neck. A single lamp illuminated the left side of his face, but only just; they lost the original lampshade years ago and their mom replaced it with one from a thrift store that barely fit. So, the lamp now shone dimmer than ever, placed haphazardly on the floor in the far corner of the room (it was meant to be sitting on a table, but they never got around to buying one). All this to say, Roe could barely see Lucas, and yet, he looked worse than she felt.

”What are you doing up?” she asked.

”Could ask you the same thing. Aren't you supposed to be having a girl's night at Sarah’s? You know you could've stayed over there, I’ve got the kids tomorrow.”

”Yeah, no, I know”

”You look fucked up.”

”Thanks.” Roe smiled sarcastically.

”Did you ditch her?” 

Roe busied herself by picking up the stray action figures littered on the ground near the stairs and shrugged; “Didn’t feel like staying. Why does it matter?”

He shrugged and muttered, “Just kind of a shitty thing to do to a friend.”

“Well, I guess it’s a good thing that it’s none of your business then.” 

Lucas threw up his hands in defense of her icy words, and watched her collect the remaining toys on the floor. When she finished, she dumped them in a bin next to the couch and finally retreated to her room. She debated peeling off all of her clothes and scrubbing the night off in a hot shower, but one glance at her bed convinced her otherwise. Without any further ceremony, Roe flicked off the lights and let herself fall into a dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year! 2020 was more than difficult for me and a lot of others in my life, and I know that a new year isn't necessarily a solution, but I hope we are close to better times. I hope this past year was not too hard on you, and my best wishes for the year to come. xx


End file.
